Have you ever written a love letter to someone? For me it is easy to pour out love, affection, and appreciation to someone I care about. Whether it’s easy for you or not, there are times when you want to express your undying love for someone. Even more important, those who receive those words of affection will likely not forget them as positive words have a long and lasting effect. If you have ever written or received a love letter, you know it not only feels good to share those private thoughts, but it’s exciting to receive words of affection and love.
Now, imagine if you wrote a love letter to yourself? What would it say? Is it just as easy to write? Would you believe the words you read? Even more important, imagine yourself responding to someone who gave you a love letter? How would you respond? Would you be dismissive? Would you brush off the kind words expressed? Would it be hard to receive?
Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was by one of the religious leaders during his time of ministry. Mark 12:30-31 shares his response, “Love the Lod your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.” He stated, “There is no greater command than these.” I love these verses because it frees us from the burden of judgement and gives us the freedom to love others as we love ourselves. Every time I think about these verses I always come back to this thought. What if you don’t love yourself enough to love others well?
“You must love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind, and all of your strength. The second is equally important, “Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.”
Mark 12:30-31
Every time I hear this, I struggle. Not because I have a hard time loving others or loving God, but I struggle to say I love myself well. Recently in struggling with obedience to God with my health, I heard that still small voice ask, “Do you love yourself enough to take good care of yourself?” Immediately, I answered yes. But when I reflect, in all honesty, I haven’t loved myself well enough. If I wrote a love letter to myself right now, I would have a hard time formulating words. It’s not that I hate myself, but I find myself struggling to accept my body, my appearance, my personality at times. During this one specific day of sitting with God, I became aware of the innocent but damaging body shaming I had been shoveling on myself long before the term “body shaming” was a thing.
When I was a teenager, I always felt like the bigger girl. When I was in the best shape of my life (my 20’s), I focused on what I was lacking and not what I had. Nothing was good enough. Into my 30’s I thought if I could just tone this body part better or lose more weight, then I would feel good about myself. None of these were what God had in mind. The reality is, if I am this hard on myself, how can I love myself enough and still love others well? When I am caught up in trying to be perfect, I find myself buying in to comparison with others, which results in a critical spirit, the saboteur of relationships and connectedness (none of which is from God).
The Science of it
In the clinical world, we call these thoughts, limiting beliefs. Negative self-talk that stops you from experiencing success and creates a cycle of constant failure. This process can be debilitating. It keeps you from loving others well, it can keep you from building lasting relationships due to the judgementalism that often follows. It creates insecurity and can lead you to behave in unhealthy ways like putting others down to build yourself up, or the reverse…… putting yourself down to the point of disabling your ability to engage with others in a healthy way because you don’t feel worthy. For me, it keeps me from being bold and reckless for God. It stops me from saying yes for fear of judgement. Do you find yourself in any of these limiting belief cycles?
The Faith of it
This is not where God wants you, nor has he called you. The solution is easy but requires constant attention. If you are like me, where you have programmed your thoughts to work on fixing problems rather than appreciating the good that already is, you need a reference to reframe your thoughts. The bible is clear about your worth and who you are. There are scriptures, stories, word pictures that describe your worth and value in God’s eyes. Biblical self-worth is so much different than the world view we are often taught through media, commercials, social influence. The world teaches self-acceptance without a reference to what you are to accept. It promotes self-identity which can be defined however you want. There is no true basis for any belief, and you are allowed to create your own identity and reality. This often turns in to social ideology and mainstream belief to define the current trend. It creates a level of chaos and confusion making it difficult to ever achieve true self-acceptance. As Christians, this is faulty thinking, because you are defined as a child of God. You were created in His image, and he loves you. You have a place to belong, a basis for who you are. Once you come to a place of understanding this, you don’t need to question your worth or value.
As you look to God for your worth, you will see that he has clear things to say about you. When you accept Christ as your Lord and savior, you have been instructed to know your worth in Him. There is so much freedom in this as it helps you let go of the worldly standards (which is constantly changing and abstract). It grounds you in who he has created you to be. Take a look at these verses and what they say about your identity in Christ.
Many clients I have worked with in the past have suffered from a chronically negative environment and often are unable to identify self-limiting thoughts. Worse, they are unable to speak positively to themselves making it hard to overcome self-limiting thoughts. They are incapable of loving themselves enough making it hard for them to sustain any healthy habits long term. Here are 5 ways to know if you need to reframe your thinking or get support to learn how to love yourself better.
5 Ways to Love Yourself Better
- You don’t realize you are hurting yourself until it’s too late. Maybe you don’t even mean to say hurtful things to yourself, it’s just become part of your normal routine. Next thing you know after a bad day you find yourself eating or drinking your sorrows away. Maybe you lack motivation to take a walk or to do something good for yourself. You excuse it as tired, but you just aren’t in the mood and don’t see the benefit of taking better care of yourself in the moment. Worse you feel like a failure because you aren’t doing the things you set out to do for yourself.
- You don’t trust overly positive people. You know that fun and bubbly person who is always so joyful? No one can be that joyful right? Maybe not, but if you love yourself enough, you don’t need to question motives of someone else who may be happy or putting on a face of happy. If you love yourself enough, you can easily see past the masks, others may be wearing. Not to judge them, but to be present for them. Who knows, maybe you will find a friend in that person because you won’t be in the critical mindset and questioning people’s motives. This is what it means to love yourself enough so you can love others well.
- You don’t feel worthy of anything good. If you find yourself around others and you don’t feel worthy of having friends, receiving gifts, getting attention, then you may need additional support. This most often occurs in those with depression. However, you do not have to be depressed to believe negative things about yourself. If you find yourself in a constant cycle of negative beliefs of your worth, it may be time to get help. This may need reprogramming, which can be done with the help of a counselor who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy. They can help you redefine your core beliefs so that your inner self talk is more kind. If you are struggling to get out of this cycle, try one of these faith-based counselors I trust: Diane Ussery, LCSW or Jackie Holmes, LPCC, MS, PPS.
- You put yourself down in front of others. When someone pays you a compliment do you say thank you or do you dismiss it with a self-deprecating comment? As humble as that may seem, it says a lot about how you feel about yourself. If you are so quick to put yourself down, how can people trust that you won’t do the same to them? If you want to love others well, you have to be willing receive compliments. I know I find myself putting myself down by joking about myself. I thought this was a good thing because it helped break the ice, but as time went on I realized I gave others power over me, making them more “superior” in my social circle. Once in a while when you do something worth laughing about with friends is ok, but avoid the constant put downs and negative self-talk. It doesn’t promote humility and can damage your self-worth over time.
- When you read who the bible says you are, but you don’t feel it applies to you. When you read the scriptures above how did you respond? Do you get excited that this is who God says you are? Do you question it as if these words don’t apply to you here and now? Whether you believe in God or not you are a beautiful creation. You are created on purpose. You are created with love. In Luke 12:6-7 Jesus said, “What’s the price of two or three pet canaries? Some loose change, right? But God never overlooks a single one. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries.” (The Message translation).
How Do I Love Myself Better?
In my journey to be kinder to myself I found it helpful to write down scriptures that helped me when I would be unkind to myself. I often have to go back and read these scriptures and then I write what they mean to me in my journal. I also have a rule in our house that when you say something unkind about yourself or others you have to say 3 nice things in return. This helps to reframe your thoughts from getting stuck in the yuck. I know there have been seasons where I needed another person’s input and have gone to counseling. Working with a counselor is always helpful. You can get an outside person’s perspective and insight into a different way of thinking. I recommend a Christian counselor if you are a Christ follower as this may provide biblical direction on reframing your thoughts. If you feel your health has suffered due to not loving yourself enough, that’s where I come in. My passion is to help people find ways of experiencing healthy living in a way that brings peace. Sometimes you need to learn new habits that empower you to live healthier. I approach nutrition by getting to the root of the problem, which is often perspective. I work with your current lifestyle to make small changes that are sustainable, so you experience small successes. Sometimes these are just what you need to get back to loving yourself enough so you can love others well. If you are interested in learning new strategies for health and wellness, click here to learn more.